Over the past few weeks I have heard the same refrain from family and friends, in telephone conversations, Zoom meetings, and in the few times I actually connect with a real-life person. Most everyone wishes me a Happy New Year… but beyond that they almost always say something to the effect of, “this new year has to be better than 2020!”
They are right, of course. During this pandemic everyone has been touched in unfamiliar ways and we are not sure what to do. When we are dealing with anxiety or depression from the death of family and friends, potential loss of our health, our job, isolation, economic and food insecurity, we humans usually respond by fight or flight.
But the chaos of these past months has never been seen by this generation. Dr. Robert Neimyer, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, asks, “who do we fight and where do we take flight?” There is no one to fight. The virus is invisible and we are unable to flee, so we freeze. We are confronting an existential dread, according to Dr. Neimyer.
I have sat in on webinars which offer possible solutions for losses. Mindfulness, where we train our minds to be resilient, is helpful. Respond to what you can control like seeing your dark emotions as a signal to attend to what hurts. Set boundaries on watching the news and try to find another more calming focus, like walking, reading inspiring texts, meditation, or prayer.
These approaches help deal with losses we hope are short-term, but what about those who experienced the death of one or multiple loved ones? Many families were not generally allowed to be with a loved one during a terminal illness or to organize a proper goodbye like a public funeral or memorial service in which the community helps to provide comfort. It is natural to feel guilt or anger, but these feelings in the long run will interfere with the ability to reconcile the losses.
Grief educators and counselors encourage the bereaved to tell their story. If anger is part of the story, find someone who will listen to your experiences of anger. The trauma that people experience is unprecedented in our lifetime. For now, and for the coming months and years we will need “helpers.”
Mister Fred Rogers used his mother’s term for helping children when subjected to trauma. “Helpers,” of course, may be clinically trained professionals, and would certainly be appropriate for complicated losses. But my sense is that the pandemic losses are so widespread, that friends, neighbors, and faith community members with sincere empathy will be of vital help for supporting our immediate needs. 2021 to brings opportunities for our country to come together in ways we have never seen to help others reframe their experiences and find peace. Vaccination and helpful loss support from others hopefully will help bring a Happy New Year!
At Peace 