Will I Always Be this Cold?
Where has this cold come from?
“It comes from the death of your friend.”
Will I always, from now on, be this cold?
“No, it will diminish. But always it will be with you.”
What is the reason for it?
“Wasn’t your friendship always as beautiful as a flame?”
Mary Oliver
My sister recently sent me this poem from Pulitzer Prize winning poet, Mary Oliver, and in reading it I reflected on this time and place in the pandemic. The “cold” Ms. Oliver felt upon the death of a good friend sits with many in our country today.
We see the immense vaccination effort along with decreased infection rates, hospital stays, death rates in parts of the U.S. Still, the healthcare community is perplexed about the significant numbers of long-term COVID patients with health problems and also concerned about yet another potential surge of cases because of COVID variants. The world will be dealing with the spill-over effects of this COVID pandemic grief for quite a while, and it will remain with us like Mary Oliver’s “cold.” I believe we need to be preparing for the fallout of a lengthy season of mourning of our country.
The impact of the virus continues, resulting in uncertainty in people’s lives, and on-going anxiety. Well over four million Americans are now mourning more than the half-million deaths as best they can. Many were not able to say goodbye, funerals were postponed or abandoned and their loved ones’ lives and deaths gleaned little solace from communities which were in isolation. The result: a continued pandemic of grief for our nation whose culture is generally known for not mourning losses well.
Over the past few weeks I have been researching impacts of COVID but not included in the numbers above, such as deaths of despair – suicides, overdoses, clinical depression, and isolation. These losses may slip through the cracks of the national news but will create even more complicated grief in the midst of an already crowded pool of people who are struggling to reconcile losses in their lives.
Mary Oliver wondered if the “cold” would go away, but learned that the grief from loss will remain in some form until reconciled through mourning well. Henri Nouwen writes, “Sharing our pain is the beginning of healing. Here we can see how close sorrow and joy can be. When I discover that I am no longer alone in my struggle, then true joy can erupt, right in the middle of my sorrow.”
So, what do we do? Providing people in our communities a better understanding of how to mourn will help. We need to educate and encourage those mourning losses to share their grief, point them to resources, and plead for communities, including churches and other faith communities, to recognize the bereaved. Genuine empathy from trusted companions will help the bereaved find their own answers in the midst of darkness. As they discover the deepened meaning and purpose of their lives, the grief may be reconciled and hope restored. Nouwen’s sorrow can turn to joy and Oliver’s flame of love will help quell the cold.
I welcome questions or responses.
May peace be with you.Robin
At Peace 