I watched a recent newscast which reported on the following issues: Congress, airplane travel, Earth care, elections, and vaccination mandates. Each story explained angry confrontations occurring with each issue. We have a long way to go to find middle ground.
The newscast prompted me to share some thoughts about anger associated with the death of a loved one. A father, whose son was shot to death, once told me his story about anger in grief. A couple years following the loss he was watching a television news reporter refer to bereaved families needing to “reach closure” following a disaster. As the reporter talked, he became so angry that he took off his shoes at threw them at the television! He told me he would never reach closure with his grief for his son.
That man was right. We cannot expect people to “close out” the painful memories. The bereaved can, however, address the underlying fear and sadness which stands behind the anger. Anger is often a natural response to the death of a loved one. COVID circumstances present even more anger challenges.
There are now more than 760,000 pandemic-related deaths in the U.S. Examples of pandemic barriers to grief work are:
- Disenfranchised grief,
- Not “saying good-bye,”
- Fewer traditional funerals, and
- Controversies over vaccinations.
Some family members of loved ones who have died from COVID causes have had to deal with unfair judgment from others. I’ve learned that it was not unusual for the bereaved to be asked by acquaintances if their loved one was overweight, as if becoming infected was their loved one’s fault. As a result, they felt their grief was not accepted with empathy from others.
Early in the pandemic, many were unable to see, touch, or speak to their loved one during hospitalization. They experienced obvious sadness, leading to anger.
Memorial services have been postponed or cancelled. Funerals held early in the pandemic required strict social distancing, masks, and limited interaction among the mourners. The result: the loss of personal connections to comfort mourners and a missed opportunity for all to “say good-bye.”
The vast majority of COVID deaths today are occurring with unvaccinated patients. These individuals chose to not take the vaccine often after receiving inaccurate information. The result: survivors become angry at those generating the misinformation and in some cases with their loved one.
A few thoughts regarding anger in grief:
- Take breaks from the pain: don’t overload the pain/anger every hour of every day. Exercising, listening to music, praying, or meditating and similar activities may provide respite for brief escapes.
- Understand Misinformed Comments: most people who suggest you “keep your chin up, remain strong, or ask if your loved one was overweight,” may mean well but these suggestions block effective mourning by disregarding the pain. Alan Wolfelt, a much-respected grief and loss educator writes, “Doing well with grief comes from becoming acquainted with it.” Realize that some comments don’t justify a response.
- Help Others: connect with others who are struggling by writing notes, calling, or visiting. This may help them and offer the bereaved helpful companionship.
- Speak with a professional grief counselor: people who cannot make progress dealing with grief should seek the expertise of a professional to help calm the sadness and add focus toward mourning well.
Anger associated with loss is difficult and is made even more complicated by the pandemic. My prayer for those whose anger is blocking them from reconciling their losses is that they find ways to meet the needs of mourning and to ultimately be At Peace.
At Peace 