I don’t normally read “advice” columns in newspapers. I have found much of their “advice” to be answering complicated questions with partial and simplistic responses. However, I happened upon a question and response from the Ask Amy (by Amy Dickinson) column last week to be most helpful.
The question came from a woman who was one year into grieving the loss of her mother. It seems her father started dating another woman about two months after her mother’s death and recently announced that he was engaged to be married next month. The daughter was distressed and asked if she should feel guilty for not wanting to go to the wedding or spend time with the pair.
My experience with this situation is both personal and professional. When my father died years ago, he followed the same process as the man in the above story. My sister was quite distraught, like the writer, although my sister did attend the wedding and spent time with the couple.
In my work with the bereaved, my staff and I experienced a number of men who, having experienced the loss of their wives, re-married shortly thereafter. It was not unusual for men to ask four our help to find them another wife. I am certain some of those responses were an attempt to simply share their grief, but others may have been quite serious.
I’ve heard it said, “Men don’t grief, they replace.” This painful explanation is seen as a prevailing response for men in our culture. As Amy wrote “sudden and tragic loss (may) leave a person grasping for life and that they crave the comfort and stability they’ve experienced.” I agree.
She also wrote that “men often benefit from their wives being skilled domestically, and are the emotional caretakers of the family.” I agree with this although my experience signals increasing numbers of younger men who are not as needy domestically and emotionally as many of the older men with whom I worked.
Amy also offered the insight that, “maybe people who remarry quickly are trying to avoid the kind of pain (they) are experiencing now.” I definitely agree with this. This is primarily the very reason I began writing At Peace. I am most hopeful that, as more people learn about their grief, they will convert the grief to mourning and find their way through the grief journey without a need to try to “avoid” the unavoidable grief.
Finally, Amy asked the woman to express her sadness to her father and arrange a trip to see him and meet his fiancé. I agree this will help her maintain this important relationship. She encouraged the writer to also speak with a friend about her sadness. This step will enable her own mourning (see my last post called Trust for more information about this).
May you be At Peace.
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At Peace 