And Then…

Last week I was finishing the next post for At Peace, and then, I learned a close friend died. This news stopped me in my tracks and I decided to write about his loss.

I spoke with my friend at church every week. I will call him, Jim… because that is his name. Jim was a very interesting person who I had known for over 20 years. He was a counselor and I used him years ago for some “dream therapy.” He helped me work through a repetitive dream that was bothering me.  

More recently, I listened to him in the midst of his wife’s struggle with cancer. She died just two months ago and I attended her funeral about two weeks ago. Jim and I talked about that and he seemed to have begun his mourning journey effectively. And then, Jim died.

Jim had two adult children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters and I thought of how complicated these two losses in such a short period of time may have on their life. And then, I thought of our church “family.” Jim invested much time volunteering in multiple ways, mostly serving others. He was there helping members and visitors find seats for worship services, for funerals, and the Christmas Pageant. He cleaned after congregational meals and children’s spills! Our pastor said Jim had a “beautiful servant’s heart.” That he did! 

I try to use my gift of listening with those in need, particularly the bereaved. I have been trying to reach out to members of our church who were extremely close to him and listen to their questions and offer thoughts about mourning. I am also taking time to mourn myself, spending time reading about complicated mourning, and praying for and with others.

I have learned from the bereaved that taking your grief public and mourning together helps you as well as others. The way through grief is to acknowledge the reality of the death, name it clearly, and embrace its pain, in doses. And then, you can slowly reconcile the loss. 

Death losses bring anxiety. The church family will need to find what some call “the new normal.” This will be difficult as this man was a member who did so much for others. The members need to find ways to answer this call. Most of all it is necessary to remember Jim. He was friendly, but quirky. We should all remember his uniqueness. He left us with such great examples of caring for others. As we search for meaning, we will remember Jim thinking of others before himself as a lesson for us. Many in our church family will need ongoing support. To heal, people must be allowed and even encouraged to mourn long after the death. Hope should always be available in the church. With God’s help, the intense pain of grief will soften, the sense of loss and love we had for Jim will be reconciled, and then our lives will move forward and be At Peace.