The Empathy Gap

I read an Opinion column a couple weeks ago in the Washington Post. The writer was Jennifer Rubin, and I agree with just about everything she wrote. In fact, for readers of this blog most of this summary may sound familiar.

The column is written for those of us who have not necessarily been part of a bereaved family or someone directly impacted by one or more of the issues we as a country are experiencing these days. Still, Ms. Rubin presents significant issues which may be subject to a lack of empathy, if not plain old apathy. And that is a problem.

Issues many are confronting: Gun violence/Mass shootings, anti-Semitic demonstrations or online discussions,  10% of female college students have attempted suicide, sadness and hopelessness, and political unrest  I would add: on-line bullying, incredible numbers of drug overdoses, racial discord, and 24-hour news, much of which consists of local and international tragedies (war, earthquakes, fires, vehicle crashes, etc.)

How do you feel reading the previous paragraph? For me, these issues shake me to the core and sadness overwhelms me. Ms. Rubin writes that in our country there is, “a collective inability to see the world from others’ perspectives, to understand people’s fears and hopes and our shared community.”

She goes as far as suggesting that our religious associations can play a negative role in the empathy gap. She quotes Peter Wehner, a former senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center and a Christian evangelical who wrote, “When the Christian faith is politicized, churches become repositories not of grace but of grievances, places where tribal identities are reinforced, share fears are nurtured, and where aggression and nastiness are sacralized.”

I agree that Mr. Wehner is accurate that the church can make us bitter, but I prefer to see the faith communities as teaching us to be better. For instance, in my own church I have presented training sessions around being with people who are bereaved or experiencing anxiety resulting from issues such as listed above. I have led a virtual discussion on the topic of life losses with members of our congregation, and separately with Presbyterian pastors who are on the frontline of many of these issues. The attendees of these sessions are focused on learning to be more empathetic.

Learning to become more empathetic requires “students” who realize they can improve in this area. During my career with LifeNet I led grief and loss workshops (which we called Being There), for critical care nurses. I was surprised to see a number of physicians attending. These folks wanted to learn better skills for being empathetic. Workshops like this are now being  offered in middle schools, colleges and even medical schools.  

I want to believe we can close the empathy gap. I’ve heard it said from many bereaved people who were visited by pastors, social workers and other caregivers, “I do not remember anything they said, but I will never forget that they visited.” 

Hurting people need others to care and love them. People who choose to be present because they want to listen to those who need to be heard. The problematic issues above need companions to respond to the sad, the lonely, the hurting with a caring touch (figuratively and, when appropriate, literally). We cannot “fix” the hurting, but we can comfort and honor another person in need who may grow one step further in reconciling their grief. 

I realize we also cannot respond directly to every situation. Encouraging others to help, sending cards, making a simple phone calls or donations to non-profit assistance agencies may also be helpful. Providing empathy helps the providers as well as the ultimate recipients. However you choose, my prayer is for you to be At Peace.