The World According to Michael

Last weekend I received a voice mail from Mary, the wife of a friend who worked with me for a number of years. We both retired from our bereavement support jobs about the same time. Mary’s message suggested some troubling news.

I immediately returned the call and learned that Michael had died. Difficult news to hear but I reminded myself that Michael always said there is no such thing as “bad news.” He claimed that, yes, communicating about death, grief and loss can be challenging, but saying it is “bad” is too judgmental. So I listened to Mary with an open mind.

Michael’s death was somewhat of a blessing to Mary in that Michael had suffered with dementia and several strokes. She added that they had over fifty years together and she and I laughed a bit about Michael’s “ways.” It certainly sounded that as if Michael had prepared Mary well for this moment.

Michael was a quirky person (he would agree) and followed a different drummer, so to speak. Back in the day, he and Mary lived in a hippy commune. His thoughts were very different from the mainstream and yet he had an incredible gift of listening. I asked him to develop the listening curriculum for a grief and loss training course our organization presented to great numbers of critical care nurses. Michael and I agreed that listening is a skill that can be improved. Listening well is critical for helping folks dealing with grief.

He taught me so much about the skill of listening. One example of Michael’s capability came from a call he made to a bereaved wife following her husband’s recent death. She lived in Florida, so Michael had to use the telephone to speak with her (no Zoom or FaceTime available then). He called the woman and immediately after identifying himself she began to sob, and sob, with a brief reference to her grief tossed in occasionally. Michael assured her he was listening…”I’m still here, go on,” he would say. About thirty minutes later she sighed deeply and said, “Thank you so much Michael. I feel much better now and hung up the phone.” Michael told me that he might have said ten words to the woman. He knew what the woman needed as he allowed her to say aloud the words her heart felt.

I relied on Michael to be one of the primary bereavement professionals in our department. The people he served rushed to him during our annual remembrance memorials and thanked him for his presence. Over the years Michael helped hundreds of people begin their grief journey. There was something about his honest and caring communication that assisted people dealing with trauma. We need more Michaels and the world will miss him very much. 

Michael researched and used a little book by the name of Right Listening by Mark Brady, Ph.D. I checked Amazon and it appears Dr. Brady has expanded his books. He has written numerous books now which foster kindness and compassion. I am sure Michael would endorse the writings of Dr. Brady if  At Peace readers are interested in deepening their capacity for empathy. 

Thank you, Michael, for all the good you have done. Be At Peace, my friend. And my thanks to each of you who read this blog and I pray you too will be At Peace.