Listening – With Love

My last post dealt with the importance of active listening when helping people dealing with loss. The intent of caregiving is not to “fix” the person , because that cannot be done. This blog shares several primary listening methods I have found helpful for people experiencing grief.

Talk Less, Listen More: establishing trust is vital in effective listening. You can gain trust by being fully present and open to hear what the grieving person describes. You are honoring the person’s story by letting them speak. I had a staff person once describe how he listened to a woman, on the telephone, for more than a half hour. She shared her deep, soul-filled pain following the death of her husband. The only thing my staff member said in the thirty minutes was, “I’m here and I’m listening.”  At the end of the call, she thanked him for everything he had done to help her.

Honor Silences: for many of us, when a conversation stops, we rush to fill the silence with words. The grieving person at this time is most likely discovering what they are thinking, feeling and wanting. You can practice this by listening to a family member or friend explain something that has been troubling them. Be attentive and respectful of silences which may surface. Note how the speaker reacts to your listening. 

Phrases to Avoid: Often people try to share with the grieving person  a comparable loss experience in their life. No one really knows how people in grief feel until they tell us. Telling someone, “I know exactly how you feel” is just not true. Saying to a bereaved parent that “God needed another angel in heaven” is not true nor helpful. Euphemisms such as this are well-meaning but misinformed and generally should be avoided. Practice a “teach me” approach to listening to learn about the grief from the bereaved person.

Reflecting Back: repeating what you heard may be helpful for the conversation. I have often heard from the person to whom I am listening, “Did I say that?” Your reflecting may well help the person better understand their own thinking and confirm to you that you heard them correctly. 

If you are interested in improving your listening, the book Right Listening, by Mark Brady, Ph.D., outlines a number of active listening approaches and reflection questions to help people become more effective.

I will leave you with a quote which became the favorite of the hundreds of nurses trained by my staff and I: “Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people don’t know the difference.” David Augsburger.The culture in which we live certainly could use the love of listening to one another… it offers a true means of helping people become At Peace.