Offering Companionship

With all the losses we have faced in the past few years, I have been writing a lot about getting involved with your friends, members of your faith community, neighbors, and friends of friends. I have been making the point that companioning people who have suffered losses do not always require professional therapists, but the desire to be present to others and being willing to listen.

The challenge, of course, is how to introduce yourself, particularly if you do not know the person well. I have the same challenge. Let’s consider several approaches.

An acquaintance of mine from church just became a widow following a sudden unexpected death of her husband. I know she is a person of faith, so I found a card which conveyed a soft, comforting message wishing her peace. I added a short note offering assistance if she would like. I made no strong request to see her. I may follow-up in a few weeks with another card or a call.

Obviously, this approach is not “pushy,” because that is not me. To help someone, genuine sincerity is vital. Be yourself. After all, yourself is what you are offering. 

This week, I contacted a friend who has a terminal illness and is dealing with the loss of memory, his limited future, and his daily routine. My first words to him were, “How are you today? Sounds simple, but my opening lets him know that I certainly know the greater issues, but I care enough to know how just today is going. We had a lovely fifteen minute or so conversation in which he shared about his home projects, his love for his wife, a little about his physical condition, and his interest in speaking again in another week. I consider that conversation a success. 

If you know someone who knows this person who has had the loss, you might ask them to slip your name to that person.  Or maybe you could encourage the friend herself/himself to be this caring presence. This strategy could provide the final goal—introducing a helpful means of listening to this hurting person. This is not a competition. Your encouragement might be the positive influence necessary for a tentative person to be helper in the midst of grief.

It might be important to know a few “do nots” of this effort which may be offensive to those in grief:

• Do not say that you understand exactly how this person feels. You do not, even if you have suffered the same type of loss.
• Don’t say, “it will be all right or you can’t really mean that.”
• Don’t say, “(S)he is in a better place now.”
• Do not say, “ (S)he would want you to …”

Non- judgmental listening is the best approach. Talk less, listen more. Honor silences. Consider restating what the person says. Sometimes grieving people are not aware of what they just said. Your confirmation could be helpful.  Helping another soul find a measure of peace is a great honor – thank you!