How Long Does This Last?

This title is one of the most frequent questions I receive from bereaved people. They were speaking about their grief, wondering when they might be relieved of their pain. This question arises frequently with the holiday season upon us as families deal with the absence of loved ones.

The answer to this question is complicated and depends upon the relationship with the missing loved one and with the familiarity the person mourning the loss might have with grief. Many folks wish to know the specific time for grief to end. What they do not want to hear, but need to know, is that grief lasts a lifetime.

Entire books are written on this question. My responses have always shared the importance of following Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s “Six Needs of Mourners.” These needs are (1) Acknowledging the Reality of the Loss, (2) Feeling the Pain of the Loss, (3) Remembering the Person Who Died, (4) Developing a New Self-Identity, (5) Searching for Meaning, and  (6) Receiving Ongoing Support From Others. As these needs suggest, reconciling grief in one’s life requires the bereaved person to understand and address the complexity of their grief.  

I have written numerous blog posts touching on the Six Needs of Mourners. To those interested, the following posts are available in the At Peace archives: Grieving Forever (July 19, 2023), The Importance of Memories (June 5, 2023), Offering Companionship (March 20, 2023), Memories (August 10, 2021), A Pandemic Response (February 8, 2021).

The field of psychology realizes that there are many people today dealing with prolonged grief. Obviously, our country and the world have suffered unexpected and difficult death losses from the pandemic, gun violence, wars, and numerous other situations. In addition, prolonged grief related to non-death losses is also being addressed more often. Consider the loss of a limb, addictions (for example: opioids, other drugs, and alcohol), extended mental health conditions, strokes causing disability, all of which may result in chronic sorrow. Addressing the Six Needs may also be helpful for non-death losses.

So, How Long Does This Last? The depth and length of the reconciliation of grief depends on many factors related to the individual and the circumstances of the loss. I have written this At Peace blog to help people understand the complications of grief and loss. Understanding more about grief and using a companion (the number six need) can help a bereaved person as well as those suffering from a significant non-death loss. Dr. Wolfelt often speaks of learning to “Transfer the loving relationship of presence to the loving relationship of memory.” Talking with others about the loved one and about what you need may help. For prolonged grief, seeking professional help would be suggested.I thank all the people who regularly read these posts. I pray for the release from pain for those in need. May your holiday season bring a new sense of peace in your life!